Do you ever wonder how you survived without a cell phone? …... I do! ….. I mean ….. I’m definitely not a slave to mine …… like many people are ….. but how did we really get by without them? 

I first got a cell phone ….. in 1999 ….. and have not powered it off since! ..…. at that time …. ah cell was da hot new thing …… and I just wanted one ….. it wasn't about necessity ...... or convenience ...... or anything like that …. it was da 'in' thing …… and I wanted 'in' …… I had a Nokia 6120 ….. in those days ……. we didn’t even dream of colour screens .…. and Razr and Blackberry and iPhone ….. in those days we didn’t even dream of Digicel ….. in those days ….. yuh ring tone was …… like yuh landline ring ….. 8 (going on 9) years later though ….. cell phones irritate da hell outta me!!! 

Short Rantings: 

Friday nite ….. ah went on ah lil lime ….. on de strip (Ariapita Avenue) ….. and from de time ah reach …… de vibes was nice …… so it was really baffling to me ….. dat ….. amidst de pumpin music ….. flowing alcohol and ….. of course the beautiful people …… dat real cell phones was starrin too …. those who weren’t texting …… were trying to actually talk (above de loud music) …. and then there were those who just kept checking theirs every 2 minutes ….. it was just so ridiculous …… why are these people here I wondered …… why didn’t they just link up with whoever they were calling …. or texting ….. or checkin for ….. why didn’t they just leave their cells in their pockets …… or handbags …… or cars ........ why weren’t they trying to enjoy the company of who was there ‘in person’ …… why weren’t they taking the opportunity to seek out new profit ….. instead of trying to ketch up with old ones on ah cell phone ….. I was surrounded by a bunch of cell phone zombies!!!  

One guy …… who was standing next to me ….. kept checking his ..…. nobody was calling him or texting him ….. cuz every time he checked ….. he’d just put it back in his pocket ….. an ah doh tink he was checkin de time (every 2 minutes!) …. so me ….wit meh farse self …… ah ask him ‘wuz de scene’ ….. de conversation went like dis: 

ME:  wuz your scene wit da cell phone ….. why yuh only checkin it?
HE:  ah expecting ‘calls’ …… from lil tings nah!
ME:  or hor …… I cyah relate tuh dat tho ….. I doh go out wit my phone
HE:  daiz because yuh muzbe have ah man already
ME:  NO …… that’s not why …… when I go out …… I’m out …. wit who I want
       tuh be out wit ……. I doh need tuh make or receive any calls ….. worse
       again ….. while I partying ….. I doh need tuh be interrupted wit ah text 
       …… or ah call ….. tuh have me runnin round de place tryin tuh find some
       quiet spot ….. just tuh hear some dotish question like ‘whey yuh is?” (cuz
       if yuh doh know …. yuh eh meant tuh know!)
HE:  OK ….. dat confirms it ….. yuh have ah man! 

So this guy ….. based my self-imposed, cell phone etiquette …… solely on the premise that I have a man …… not for the simple reason …… that I just would not allow myself to be controlled by my cell!!! 

…… another short story ….. not necessarily bout cell phones …. but kinda connected ……  ah went by de bar tuh get a drink …. the bartenders seemed to be serving only men ….. hmmmmm …… suspect! ……. so there I was ….. standing behind two other women waiting to be served …… when a gentleman standing next to us …. asked if we had already ordered ….. he probably assumed we were all together ….. but we weren’t ….. anyway ….. my boy …. on hearing that we did NOT place our orders yet ….. proceeded to do so ….. on our behalf …. now being de independent (albeit poor) woman dat I am ….. I pull out my $20 (yeah I’m a cheap date - is jus ah stag ah wanted) …. tuh give de man … and he refuse (and who say chivalry dead!) ….. well I very calmly put back my money ….. thanked de man fuh de beer …. ask him his name ….. jus tuh be polite …. and ride out ….. anyway ….. when we ready tuh leave now …. ah spot de man while we was walkin out …… so ah say leh meh just tell him ah gorn …. so I wit my good self gorn tuh tank de man again ...... and tell him ah gorn …… hear wha he go tell me …. no problem …. but I didn’t get your name ….. so I said “Shaneequa” (now who really name dat?!) …. then he said …. I didn’t get your number …. well I buss out laughing!! …… an yuh know my laugh! ..... I sure everybody hear it! .....

….. den de odda day ….. ah man ask meh if ah want his number …… ah say nah ….. I doh call nobody …… instead of de man ….. taking it tuh mean …… no sense giving meh yuh number cuz ah eh go call yuh …… he take it mean ….. dat ah doh have no money on meh phone …. Ahhhhhhh ….. I thought this was sooo funny …… now ah really doh have no money eh ….. well ….. tuh waste on people ah really doh want tuh talk to ….. but the audacity! …… I just don’t call people …. I’m not big on small talk ….. so even before cell phone was born …… I was never one to jus pick up de phone and make ah call ….. as far as I’m concerned my cell phone is for my convenience ...... and my convenience only ….. its not to just pull out and call miscellaneous people!!!  

Cell phones can be very convenient …. and at the same time ….. very annoying …. they really irritate me …… or should I say ….. what really irritates me is ..... the way people let them control their lives ….. and allow them to turn them into idiots …... for example ...... ah sure yuh could relate tuh at least two of these scenarios: 

• Yuh leave de house …… and nearly reach where yuh goin ….. yuh realize yuh forget yuh cell phone home …. yuh turn around ….. and go back fuh it
• Yuh battery dyin ...... and yuh lookin fuh any available outlet ….. or car ….. or where ever de phone could plug in ….. cuz de phone cyah die ….. or you might die too ……
• Yuh driving on de highway …… in de fast lane …… at 40 kms …… cuz yuh behind some idiot on dey cell phone …. not talking eh ….. but texting
• Yuh at a play ..... or in church ….. and a cell phone start tuh ring ….. and like de idiot doh know how tuh silence it
• Yuh having lunch or dinner wit somebody ….. and de person on dey blasted cell phone … talking what? …… a lot of nothing! …… jus tryin tuh look important ……
• yuh get de “call meh” text ….. from people who doh have money on dey phone …. why I must call you ..... is YOU want tuh talk tuh me! ….
• Yuh reach tuh pick up yuh peeps …… and yuh call dem or text dem …. instead of just gettin up off yuh arse ..... and ringing de door bell
• People who want tuh have a conversation ..... via text ....... Nooooooo ..... dat not rite!!!!
• People who refer to their cell by name …… like they’ll say …… 'text meh yuh number nah ..... so ah could put it on meh blackberry' – not on meh cell eh – on meh blackberry!
• People who feel dey could send yuh a text ..... at ridiculous hours ..... tinkin yuh will get it when yuh wake up …… HELLO ….. most likely at 3:00 am on a Monday  …… I am sleeping …… and YES ……  I will get it when I wake up ….. cuz HELLO ….. I wake up when you send it …… remember ….. my phone doh power off ……
• People who feel you HAVE to answer their call ….
• People who feel you HAVE to return their call ….. when yuh see dey name come up under ‘missed call’ …… no ….. if yuh doh leave a message ….. tough
• People who does let de call go tuh voicemail ….. and leave no message ….. so yuh payin 50 cents (or how much ever) …. tuh hear nuttin …….
• People who does wait fuh yuh ..... tuh call dem back ..... when de call drop ..... and is dem who initiate de call in de first place ....
• People who does call yuh ….. and when yuh doh answer ….. dey call yuh twice again ….. just tuh be sure ….. is “no answer” dey got ……  
• People who does *94 when dey call yuh ..... and when dey realise yuh not answering dey call ..... dey does call yuh back "Private" .... dis one does real crack me up ..... cuz I done make yuh out!
• People who does call yuh at least one a month ...... just tuh make sure yuh still doh answer yuh phone ..... or yuh still doh take their calls ....
• _____________________________________________ (space to insert ones I forgot)

Cell phones ….. seem to be the new addiction …….. and pretty soon …. we’ll all be going to rehab! ….. so to avoid dat fate ….. I now operate my cell phone on ‘silent’ ….. so if yuh call meh …. an ah doh answer …… doh study it ….. cuz yuh now know wuz de scene wit me!