Last week Thursday ...... ah get chain up tuh go ah lil birthday lime in 51 degrees ........ now I eh no fan of 51 degrees ...... OK da'is puttin it too nice ....... AH DOH LIKE DE PLACE!!! ....... I does only go dey ....... if ah gettin in free (aka chain up!) ...... or tuh see Rachael Price ...... so back tuh meh story ...... de lime was suppose tuh be ..... in one ah dem VIP areas ...... yuh know de lil stupid 'one step up' areas ...... dat block off with ah velvet rope (and ah 'security') ....... where de people who does shit ice cream does be? ...... right ....... it was one ah dem kinda scenes ....... so needless tuh say ...... being a VIP fuh de nite ...... entry fuh VIP invitees was supposedly 'free' ...... yuh just had tuh say ....... is 'so-an-so party' yuh goin to ...... an yuh business fix!

I reach bout 10:45 pm ....... which evidently was very early ....... cuz it had nuff room in de car park ....... and nuff parkin on de street ...... but ...... yuh know me ...... my car like meh chile ...... so I doh really like de road scene ..... Iz ah car park kinda gyul ....... ah like tuh know it have security an ting ..... so ah drive eeeeen de 'real empty' car park ..... and start tuh make meh way ...... tuh ah good spot ...... well 'good' to me ...... cuz it was just the next available spot ..... in a row of about 10 cars ..... well HELLO ....... de car park man had odda plans fuh me ....... de man (or boy) who I'm sure you're familiar with ...... cuz he is the first idiot you will encounter when going 51 degrees (altho he not connected tuh dem) ...... he is a classic example of someone suffering from ....... 'never woulda tort' ....... as in ..... never woulda tort ..... he woulda ever have so much 'authority' .... and 'power' ..... as a car park attendant has ....... together with a bout of 'small man syndrome' ....... as in ..... I'm male ...... and minute ..... so leh meh make up some asinine rules ...... fuh people who bigger dan me ...... tuh actually have tuh follow ...... so I could feel like a real big man! ...... well ..... he and he two bouts of stupidity ........ get meh stink as ah reach ...... cuz as ah say ....... there I was ...... pullin in ..... tuh ah normal, obvious spot .... when de man-boy go tell me tuh go in de next lane instead ...... and reverse eeeeen too ...... doh drive in ...... ah say buh wait ...... is drivin lessons I taking!!??? ....... cuz on top of having tuh pay ah whole stinking $20 ..... fuh dat little ass ...... tuh watch my car ..... he telling me what spot tuh go in ....... and what direction tuh park my car?! ....... so anyway ...... before ah had was tuh buss two cuss on de boy ...... fuh he tuh damage my car while I partyin ....... ah jus reverse back de car in de assigned spot ....... pay de man de $20 ..... and head out de car park quick ...... before meh mout open!!

Now fuh those of you ..... who not familiar wit 51 degrees ...... there are about 3 or 4 idiot (ooooops 'security') check points ....... de first one is on de pavement ...... de next one is by de entrance tuh de building ........ de next one is when yuh reach up de steps ...... and de last one ..... is de person who yuh does pay ...... oh and there's one who does stamp yuh ....... so now dat ah lay out de layout fuh yuh ...... ah spot me fren by de first check point waiting fuh meh ...... there was nobody else tryin tuh get in ....... just the two of us (yeah, it was that early!) ..... anyway ...... as I walkin tru de first two 'security' ...... one ah dem go stop me and ask fuh ID ....... well I wanted tuh dead!!! ..... like he feel I was Dayna Alleyne?!!! ...... I couldn't believe dat de man go watch me ....... ah big hard back woman like me ....... and ask fuh ID ...... so ah watch him ...... in awe ...... cuz I really couldn't believe is me he talkin to ...... ah say "WHA??? you want to see MY ID????" ...... de man just watch meh and say "YES" ..... ah say "breds you couldn't be fuh real!!??" ....... is tru ah young and hot looking ..... but HELLO ..... it eh have no way I could look like under 21 ....... not even if ah put orn ah High School musical T-Shirt an ah skinny jeans!!! ....... my fren now ..... still behind me ....... not really hearin de scenes ....... decide tuh jump eeeen de scene ....... and buss out laughin when she find out dat de man askin me fuh ID ....... anyway ...... because of her charm ...... and utmost patience with idiots ..... we successfully made our way to check point number two (without de ID) ...... ahhhhh ...... yet another classic example of idiocy ...... or simply ...... operating in robot mode ...... de management say ask fuh ID ...... so idiot asks EVERYBODY fuh ID ....... but whatever yes ....... I muzbe lookin real young fuh tru ....... more props tuh me!!

So we reach checkpoint number two ....... you know de security dey ......... make my fren hand over her chewing gum ....... yep ....... me eh know if she was chewin it ....... or if she just had in her bag (cuz I see her take out some from her bag) ....... but like saddist had X-ray vision ....... and see de chewing gum either in she mouth or in she bag ....... now I doh chew gum ...... but dat rule ....... just wanted tuh bring out de idiot in ME ...... tuh smuggle in some ...... chew it up ...... and just go sticking it everywhere ...... on de bar ...... on de wall ...... on de security ..... on de carpet ...... on de velvet rope ...... hmmmm ..... what a fun idiot thought bubble!  

So with chewing gum ...... successfully confiscated ....... it was up de steps ...... and onto the third check point ...... dat security does jus make sure yuh on de rite side of de rope ...... like duh ....... is he really necessary ...... anyway ...... after confirmation that we were in fact ....... on the right side of the rope ...... we walk up tuh de cashier ...... and announce (of course with a certain amount of authority) ...... dat we dey ...... fuh so-an-so party ....... cuz remember ..... we were suppose tuh be VIPs dat nite ....... well first ..... he play like eh hear us ....... cuz de music was loud nah ...... den when he make out we scene ...... he pull out he clipboard tuh see if we on de list or whatever ...... surprise!!! ..... it didn't have no list ...... den he start tuh tell us dat if de people who having de party ....... did pay fuh de VIP ...... den it supposed tuh have ah list ...... and since dey eh have no list ...... means dey eh pay ..... den he pull out he phone and call somebody ...... I doh know who ....... den he had tuh mention tuh us dat Mr. Man who name we call ...... is no longer a shareholder ...... so in other words ....... no use callin he name cuz he eh have no more rank ....... de man was jus blah-blahin ....... and I was jus gettin vex ....... den three gyuls walk eeeeen ..... so he tell us tuh wait on the other side of de rope ..... while he handlin de three gyuls ...... and figurin out if tuh let us eeeeen ....... okey dokey ....... well yuh know dat was de icing on de birthday cake fuh me! ....... ah was now in full blown stink mode cuz ......

I HATE 51 ...... I graced them with my presence that nite ......  ONLY cuz of a friend who chose to celebrate there ...... the car park man is ah cunumunu (yeah he doh work fuh dem but da'is where yuh does park when yuh go dey!!) ...... de ID security is ah dotish robot who doh know why he doin what he doin ...... de odda one is a chewing gum inspector ...... de odda one is ah velvet rope director ........ den de cashier havin some kind of 'letting us in free' problem ....... cuz he doh know bout de party dat suppose tuh be orn ....... mind you ...... entry was free to ladies just 45 minutes before eh ..... so big shit if dey were let us in free 45 minutes later!! ....... like would I really bathe, dress, put on make up and deodorant ..... drive down tuh 51 ...... wit ah cock-and-bull story (using real names too) ...... tuh try and scam 51 degrees into letting me in 'free'??!!! ..... P-U-H-L-E-A-S-E ...... I have better tings tuh do ....... like sleep!!!!!

And at my age ...... other than sleep being more interesting than party! ....... I also have ah rep tuh protect ....... scenes like standing up outside party ..... waiting tuh get eeeeeen ...... is ah big NOOOOO fuh me ....... highly unacceptable ...... I pass dat stage ....... long time ....... so ...... after voicing my disgust ...... fren went over to idiot number 4 (de cashier) ....... to follow up on the situation ...... cuz tho I walked wit vex money ..... dat I coulda easily use tuh pay tuh go eeeeen ...... fren was not on dat!!! ..... so lucky fuh her (or us) ...... same time ...... some gyul appeared outta nowhere ...... de cashier shoo shoo someting in she ears ..... and she calmly let us in ....... no questions asked ....... stamp placed on right wrist!

Inside was empty ....... just like de car park ....... karaoke was about to start ...... it turned out to be hilarious ....... de other peeps fuh our lime ..... reach muzbe bout ah hour later (or who knows ..... dey muzbe make dem 'wait' too) ...... by dat time de place was full....... we went up we 'one step' ..... in we VIP area ..... we drink and party whole nite ...... and a good time was had by all ....... compliments nuff champagne dat real flowed ..... and totally washed away all my idiot blues ....... and brought on ah whole other kinda blues .....
 
...... been sick all weekend ...... back to normal only today


PS:  You know when I leave de party ...... de car park man was nowhere tuh be found ...... so what yuh does really pay $20 for?! ..... hmmmm ...... who's de idiot now?!