Fuh Carnival 2Kwine ..... I have heeded the Government's call ...... and I have tightened my belt ..... not that there was much tuh 'tighten' in de first place ...... so ..... wit that said ..... when allyuh hear bout me in party ...... is because ah get ah bligh (well at least 99% of de time)!

Now so far ..... is only two fete I end up in fuh de season ..... two all-inclusives ...... ONE fete (last week) ...... and Bishops (Saturday gorn) ....... and altho I eh really one tuh comment on carnival fetes (except of course if it have ting like dem Andy Loos toilets Brian Lara had in he own last year!) ...... is peckishness dat cause dis post today ..... cuz normally I'd just wait fuh de real reviews ...... from de real carnival jumbies like ...... Afro Chic ..... and Saucy ...... who does always have a much wider repetoire than me anyway ..... cuz da'is de next ting too ..... I doh really go tuh too much party ....... and den de ones ah does end up in ...... does just seem like more of de same ..... same venue .... same price ...... same food ....... same drinks ...... same people ...... same bands!!!
 
So anyway ..... since it look like dey eh writin none ...... ah say leh meh logon ..... and handle dis scene ..... and from a non-carnival jumbie perspective too ....... cuz I've come tuh realise ...... that when it comes tuh parties ..... and all-inclusives in particular ...... they are NOT all the same at all ....... even when dey callin equal-ish price ...... ONE $600 ...... Bishops $650!



WITCO ONE Fete (All Inclusive)
January 17, 2009 


ONE fete was ah whole drama fuh me ...... I never went before ..... so I didn't really care tuh go to it this year ...... but because of peer pressure ...... and ah hint of jumbieness (re: de birthday) ..... ah decide last minute dat ah goin ....... well ...... mistake number ONE ...... ah couldn't get ah ticket nowhere ....... cuz apparently de tickets sell out in ah flash ...... now mind you ...... this is a fete that started in 2007 at $250 ...... then went tuh $400 in 2008 ...... and blow up de spot at ah whooping $600 this year ...... so how dem tickets sell out ....... at dat price ..... I doh know!! ...... so anyway ...... after being offered a black market one ...... at $700 (and hearing of someone who sold theirs for $1200) ...... I eventually got a $600 one at about 3:45 pm ..... on de day of de fete itself ...... so at dat late hour .... ah literally scrap up de $600 (from under mattress an' all kyna ting) ...... and fly down tuh Woodbrook tuh go fuh it ...... cuz ah tink de party was suppose tuh start at 6:00 pm ...... an' yuh know if girlfren fork out ah whole $600 fuh ah party ...... girlfren reachin dey fuh when de door open!!!!!

Anyway .... so ah fly back home now .... tuh get ready ..... and in puttin de ticket next tuh meh car keys (so a doh forget it home) ...... ah notice dat it have ah print on de back ...... some shit about ...... yuh cyah enter de party unless yuh full out de back ...... STEUPS ...... cuz is real personal info dey wanted eh (of course tuh start dey database) ...... like yuh name ...... yuh mailing address ....... yuh email address ....... yuh phone number ..... and den it had ah question about whether yuh does smoke ...... and what brand yuh does smoke ...... now at first ..... at tort it was kinda dumb ..... like why do I need tuh give you dat info ....... jus tuh enter yuh party ...... but den ah tell mehself ..... whatever yes ..... ah might win ah prize ..... so in de hype tuh reach de party soonest ..... ah jus full it out quick ..... an' ah went an' organise mehself tuh ride out!!!

Now de party was in de Oval ....... and as far as venues go ....... de Oval is de worse ...... cuz at de end of de day ...... it is ..... what it is ...... ah big stupid car park ..... wit zero ambience ..... but da'is not even the worse part about de Oval as ah venue ....... PARKING is ..... or lack of it ....... I had tuh park on some side street off Tragarete Road ...... an' yuh know my car not accustom ...... my car accustom tuh VIP treatment ...... inside car park wit securtiy an' ting ....... so de parking scene start meh off kinda iffy ......

Anyway ..... so is two cars we went in (me in mine and two frens in another) ...... and luckily we end up gettin tuh park right next tuh each other (which was great) ...... so we start tuh head tuh de party now ....... via Tragarete Road ...... in between ah setta cars park up on de pavement ..... and traffic in de road an' ting ...... so we reach de Oval now ..... and headin towards de scaffolding tuh enter de party ...... when two little chickies jump out in front of us ...... and ask us if we full out de back of de ticket ...... now I had done do mine from home ....... fren No. 2 answer NO .... and dey give her a clipboard tuh full out hers ....... but fren No. 3 was NOT on dat shit ...... she very loudly and emphatically told them ....... "I DOH HAVE TUH DO DAT SHIT TUH GET EEEN NO PARTY .... AND FURTHERMORE I AM NOT GIVING Y'ALL ALL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION!" ...... after which she calmly walked in de party ....... and waited for me and fren No. 2 (on de inside) ...... now I wanted tuh laugh eh ...... cuz de two little chickies get VEX ...... if yuh hear dem quarrelin after bout fren No. 3 .......

So anyway ...... me and fren No. 2 finally reach tru de scaffolding ...... and meet up with defiant fren No. 3 ....... and we start tuh strut we stuff walkin eeeen de party ...... well de entrance was hotttt ....... cuz if you see de big ass mirror dey put up ...... so all yuh was seein when yuh walkin eeeen ...... is YOU lookin hot walkin eeeen ....... LOL ..... so we scope out de scene ...... scope out whey de food is ...... whey de bar is etc etc ..... and we start tuh head fuh de food ...... when braps ...... ah Photographer from de Express ...... jumbie meh tuh take ah pic (de same one dat come out in de papers) ..... well wit dah one ..... after meh lil parkin peeve ..... yuh gyul was feelin nice now ...... de party start off nice ...... so we gorn tuh eat ...... cuz it was de intention tuh consume nuff alcohol (about $500 worth) ..... and altho it had real ting tuh eat ...... I only end up eatin ah pastelle ..... cuz as ah say ...... I was on grog ..... I wasn't on no food ....... so after we eat now ..... was off tuh de bar ...... and I must say ..... the service at the bar was very good ...... there was no waiting at the bar ..... as yuh walk up ...... you were attended to ..... so I order my usual .... ah scotch an' coconut ..... fren No. 2 order ah coke (Grrrrrrrrr???) ..... and defiant fren No. 3 order wine ...... allyuh know it didn't have no wine ...... like de wine was in de crowd somewhere ...... really winin!! ..... none of de bars had wine ...... so we concluded that there was no wine in ONE fete ..... so my gyul end up orderin ah cocktail (from ah cute, separate, elevated cocktail bar) ....

Right ..... so belly full ..... drinks in hand ....... next on my agenda was tuh find ah smoke ...... and what better place tuh find one ...... dan in ah WITCO fete! ..... now I eh no real smoker ...... ah does jus like tuh take ah lil pull when ah havin ah drink ..... but ...... surprisingly ah wasn't seein nobody smoking tuh bum one from ...... cuz da'is what ah does do ..... ah does jus bum one ...... den ah ketch mehself ...... ah say buh wait ...... dis is WITCO fete! ...... and wit dat one ...... de light bulb turn orn ..... an' ah suddenly start tuh notice ah setta little booths all over de place ...... wit ah setta cigarette on display ...... so ah walk over tuh one ...... an' ah ask de gyul (another little chickie) fuh ah pack ...... well de gyul hit meh ...... that's $15 ...... WHA? ..... yep ...... yuh had tuh pay fuh de cigarettes ...... now as far as I know ..... when yuh go all-inclusvie ...... yuh doh walk with no money ...... so needless tuh say ...... I didn't have no money on me ..... but on top ah dat ...... is ah blasted cigarette party I was in ...... dem couldn't jus give away de cigarettes ..... as far as I concern  ..... at $600 yuh shoulda get ah ten piece too ...... but anyway ..... little chickie advised me ..... that a recent law was passed that prohibits giving away cigarettes ...... whatever ..... so dat was dat ...... another fren end up buyin ah pack ..... and he got a free lighter too (whoopie!)

So party goin nice ..... Chynee (de Synergy Soca Star boy) ...... reach on de stage ..... and start tuh do he chinee ting ..... but like people didn't know him ...... so nobody eh really take him orn ...... den Kees come orn ...... an' I eh see none of their performance either ...... den ah tink Bunji and Faye Ann was dey too ...... and Hunter (oh gorm ah love dat jep sting naina - ah changin meh tune on chutney - but only fuh dis song) ...... den Machel come orn ...... really an' truly ..... ah cyah say nuttin bout de bands ..... cuz after about my third drink ..... everything was ah big blur tuh me ..... I eh really take eeeeen none ah dem ...... tuh tell yuh how blurred I was ...... I take real pictures in de party .... and only realised de week after ..... when ah was clearin meh memory stick in meh camera!

But ...... blurred, drunk or HEAD BAD ...... ah was sober enuff tuh notice ah silly little section in de party ...... being guarded by British lookin guards ...... yuh know de british guards dat does wear de red jacket .... and de tall fury black hat etc.?! ....... well yes ...... there were 2 (I think) ..... fake guarding an area ...... which I later learnt was some sort of VIP section ...... now forget about de guards fuh ah minute ...... cuz WTF a VIP section was doin in ah all-inclusive party ...... YTF de Ministers and dem ..... and de other so-called very important people ...... couldn't just party like everybody else (a la Keith Rowley and his family in Bishops) ...... if you know how dat VIP concept does get me stink ..... and you would not believe what de pips of de VIP section was ....... ah stinkin lighter ..... yes (ah ask ah WITCO employee) ...... apparently yuh was gettin de free cigarettes dey ...... and a lighter tuh go wit it!! ...... it was ah real crips lighter tho ...... silver ...... an' it look like yuh coulda put de cigarettes in it ....

Anyway ...... after dat quick investigation on de dotish 'fake British guards' ...... was time tuh go tuh de loo ...... now they weren't bad ...... but they weren't good either ..... cuz after experiencing Andy Loos in party ..... me eh want no nasty PARC Disposal ...... but as ah say ..... they were cleanish ..... but could you believe ..... ah big ladies section ...... and NO MIRROR ...... I was horrified ..... one or two of de toilets had little reflective pieces in them ..... and ah call it dat ..... cuz dem ting wasn't mirror .... dey was imposters (just like de ones in Zen VIP bathroom) ...... so yes ...... not ONE mirror in de ladies section in ONE fete ...... but ah setta blasted mirror at de entrance of de fete ...... which was ah totally unnecessary mirror location ...... cuz when yuh now walkin eeeeen party ..... yuh done lookin good ahready ....... yuh now reach ...... yuh fresh ...... yuh eh need tuh see yuhself ...... but after ah few drinks .... and some winin ...... yuh do ...... GIRLS NEED MIRRORS (and some need in dey house too) ...... especially in ah all-inclusive .... where de fare (aka eye food) is ah lil higher quality ..... an' yuh need tuh look yuh bess (fuh de entire party)!!!! ..... but LOL ..... while I was beatin up myself over de 'no mirror' scene ...... defiant fren No. 3 wasn't de least bit disturbed ...... she calmly walked over tuh de big ass entrance mirrors ...... and do all she had tuh do with a Mirror ..... in plain view of de whole eastern side of de party ..... I was mortififed!!!!

Now this rant ..... coulda been double de length eh ...... but ah truncate it ...... tuh ease yuh up ...... so tuh wrap it up  ..... all in all ...... de party was OK ...... I had a good time ..... but I was disappointed ...... and mainly because people real rave it up ....... so I really doh know what I was expecting ..... but it was cool ...... an' afterwards ah went Zen ..... girlfren had ah very HAPPY Birthday!



BISHOPS (All Inclusive)
January 24, 2009


This one's gonna be real short ...... cuz in short ....... fuh $650 (i.e. just $50 more than ONE fete) ...... yuh definitely got more fuh yuh money ...... altho some would say ..... "but Machel wasn't dey" ...... like as if Machel is de .... be all and end all of party!

Anyway ..... again ...... parking was ah bitch ..... cuz de party was held at de school compound on Keate Street ...... an' yuh know how 'round dey done tizzick on ah normal day ..... worse again fuh ah fete day ...... so I muzbe make about 3 -4  circle ...... before eventually spottin ah piper up ahead .... in de middle of de road ..... motioning tuh his left ..... so ah end up gettin ah nice park ..... in ah car park (wit piper security) ..... right across de street from de party!

So me and fren reach de entrance now ..... and we're immediately greeted by some very friendly folk ..... puttin band on yuh hand (which totally did not match my outfit ) ...... so we get we band ..... and we start to make our way into de party itself ...... when we are again greeted by some very friendly (and pricey) alcohol ...... JOHNNIE WALKER BLUE ..... now allyuh know de price of BLUE right ..... so yuh gyul ..... who never woulda tort (dat she would ever taste BLUE) ..... take she BLUE ..... and walk off (witout chasin it wit de fancy bottled water dat dey had) ...... well ah nearly dead ...... when ah knock back de first moutful ...... de ting went down like fire ...... ah had was tuh go tuh de bar ..... and chase it wit some coconut water ..... altho I understand yuh really suppose tuh drink it straight ...... on de rocks!

The main bar was good ..... like somebody doing someting good wit bars these days ...... cuz it was no setta waiting ...... no setta sour face ...... it was cool ...... then there was a whole wine bar (unlike in ONE) ..... and I also saw nuff people drinking Champagne ..... I didn't actually see where the bar was ..... but I understand there was a separate Champagne bar too ...... let's just say ..... drinks was in abundance ..... and in wide variety!

Bands ..... I eh take dem orn in dis party either ...... dey had Destra (she look real hot) ..... and Roy Cape (ah puttin out ah SOS fuh Trini Jacobs - an' ah hope Peter Elias ketch it - de gyul need some serious clothes help) ...... and it had some other band (I think) ..... ah doh know ..... I was too busy gaping and socialisin and drinkin ..... so ah cyah report on performances .....

Of course ...... after ah few drinks ...... wit MEH HEAD BAD ...... was time tuh make ah loo run ..... and again ....... only one mirror ...... LAWD ....... so ONE fete had none ....... and Bishops had ONE ...... needless tuh say ..... it had ah setta woman ..... line up tuh use said one mirror!!! ..... but ...... other than that ..... the bathroom was clean ..... it was the school's bathrooms (not no nasty PARC disposals) .... and it was stocked with lots of paper ...... and ah setta MOTIONS products ..... ting fuh yuh hair an' all kinda shit ...... like ah tho I will really go ah party ..... go tuh de ladies room ..... and say ..... "Aye ah tink meh hair need moisturising" and spray dat shit in it ...... which I actually saw a girl do!!!!

Anyway ...... after dat lil pit stop ...... I was a new person ..... and it was time tuh get sumtin tuh eat ..... cuz lawd meh head was spinnin ..... de food layout was kinda weird tho ..... ah lil confusing ..... cuz it wasn't like in one section ..... it had lil food joints all over de place ..... wit some real weird ass shit too ...... like HORSE meat ...... I end up eatin ah chicken wrap ...... and about 5 shrimp kebabs ...... an' geeeeeezan rice ..... when ah tell yuh dem ting was borse ...... it was jumbo shrimp ..... wrapped in bacon ..... sprinkled with a little cheese ..... and grilled tuh perfection .... among some sweet pepper and some onion ..... oh gorm ...... ah could taste it now!!! .....

Ah lil while after ah done eat ..... at 12:00 midnight ..... that was it ..... de DJ announce dat de party done ....... and he immediately threw orn some steelpan music ..... to which patrons merrily chipped their way out ......

All in all ..... the two parties was definitely two different vibes ..... but in conclusion ........ I would have to say ..... dat Bishops was better value fuh money!