Ok .... so now that I have your attention ....

A few weeks ago .... a friend of mine .... casually mentioned that she made an appointment at the T&T Cancer Society .... fuh ah mammogram .... and asked me if she should set up one fuh me too ....

So .... having not done one of those in many years .... I replied in de affirmative .....

So she goes to her appointment .... sets up mine .... and texts me the date ....

However .... the date assigned wasn't good fuh me ..... so I promptly call dem tuh reschedule .... and am a little startled at the voice on the other end .... cuz hello .... I swear was granny I talking to ....

Anyway .... so I explain tuh granny dat I have an appointment fuh such-an-such date .... and that I'd like to reschedule .... ah tell her dat if anybody cancel dey appointment before dat date .... tuh call meh tuh come .... to which she repied .... OK we will call you back in two days to confirm a new date.

Now I eh have tuh tell yuh what comin next .... cuz yuh know how de ting does go .... cuz of course de two days pass .... an' nobody eh call me yet ..... so ah call dem back .... an' ah jus set ah new date!

Right .... so da'is dat ....

A  A .... so de day before now (i.e. de day before de initial appointment date) .... my phone start tuh ring early early in de mornin .... with some kinda weird number comin up .... so .... ah answer it outta curiosity ..... only tuh find out dat is de T&T Cancer Society .... callin tuh confirm my appointment? .... de same appointment dat ah had tell granny tuh reschedule fuh meh! ..... so I tell de lady .... dat I eh have no appointment again .... cuz it was rescheduled blah, blah, blah .... but den ..... after tinkin it over fuh ah 2 seconds ..... ah tell her dat ah will jus come an' done .... in as much as dey still have meh down ..... then .... in her best ..... all's well that end's well tone .... she starts tuh say her goodbyes .... an' ah stop her .... cuz eh? .... nobody eh say yet .... what it is ah have tuh do ..... or not do .... tuh prepare fuh de proceduce ..... so ah ask her .... an' is ah good ting too .... cuz she tell meh tuh jus take ah regular shower .... and doh wear no deodorant .... Grrrrrrr ..... a regular shower??!! 

So de day of de appointment now .... ah get up way too early .... ah take de 'regular' shower .... ah put orn some easy tuh take off clothes .... an' ah head out tuh Rosalino Street fuh meh appointment.

When ah reach now .... dey was still closed .... but dey was lettin people in .... so on realisin dat .... ah jump out de car .... an' ah make meh way inside .... there were about 4 people ahead of me .... so I took a seat to wait my turn .... now mind you .... is jus one little space / room .... so of course I was able to hear EXACTLY what the 4 women ahead of me came tuh do .... yeah .... de place didn't even have ah lil pipe music tuh buffer out people bizz .... I was appall .... cuz I didn't want everybody tuh know dat is ah mammogram I come tuh do!!!!!

Anyway ..... lucky fuh me .... there was only one person left in the room by the time it was my turn .... so I made my way tuh de Receptionist ..... advised why I was there .... and that I had an appointment at such-an-such time blah, blah, blah .... after which I paid ($240) ..... and then made my way tuh de adjoining room as instructed ....

Five mintues later .... said Receptionist called me into a private office .... completed a form with all my info and directed me to another area to wait for the actual procedure to be done.

And this is where the story gets ughhh ..... cuz fuh those of you who never do ah mammogram .... LAWD!!!! ..... it is disgusting!!! ..... still!!! ..... and I say still .... cuz nothing has changed since the donkey years ago that I first did one .....

So I'm sitting in the little waiting area outside de mammogram room .... and I'm reading a pamphlet which the Receptionist advised me to read .... so that in the event I get a call back from them ..... I won't be alarmed .... right .... so about 3 minutes later .... and now fully freaked-out by the pamphlet .... a girl .... a little Chinese lookin girl .... comes out from behind a door ..... calls my name .... and motions tuh me .... tuh follow her .... so .... after taking note of her strange .... and obviously not from Trinbago accent ..... I hesitantly go into the room .... where I am instructed to take off my top / bra whatever .... and put orn ah kinda ricepaper lookin long-sleeve coat  .... leaving the opening tuh de front (duh!) .....

So .... still confused by the girl's accent .... cuz I wasn't really understandin shit she was sayin ..... I go into the little curtain-off corner area .... I change into my robe / coat .... and I walk back out with my top in my hand .... which earned me boof No. 1 .... yeah .... cuz apparently it have hanger an' ting tuh hang up yuh clothes .....

Anyway .... so she then directs me to the MONSTER ..... oooooops I mean machine .... and tells me where to stand .... how to stand etc. ..... while she adjusts the level of the breast plate (i.e. de ting yuh does ress yuh breast on) ..... then she leaves me standing there .... facing the MONSTER .... goes over to the other side of the room ..... retrieves some kinda slide lookin thing ..... slides into the MONSTER .... and begins the process .....

She tells me to take my left arm out of the sleeve .... move closer to the machine ..... and place my left breast on de ting (like placing a piece of meat on a platter) ..... then ..... as if not enuff was placed .... she then takes matters (or rather my left breast) into her own hands (literally) ..... and trys to gather up as much breast as possible dat could fit on on de ting ..... then came boof No. 2 .... cuz I start tuh tiptoe .... cuz de gyul was real pullin' my lil baby breasts ..... was as tho she was trying tuh make meh ah C cup instead! .... anyway ..... after dat now ..... she tell meh tuh hold on tuh de handle on de MONSTER ..... and tuh turn meh face tuh de right .... or tuh de left or whatever .... I cyah remember ..... than she presses de switch or whatever it is .... dat does make de squeezy ting come down and squeeze down one yuh breast .... walks away from the MONSTER .... takes de x-ray picture .... and calmly walks back tuh de the MONSTER .... while I still painfully clamped down via my poor baby breast!!

Yeah .... and that same procedure is done for both breasts .... and then they do it again .... including under the arms ..... so ..... technically .... each breast does get SQUASH twice!!!!

An' jus in case yuh didn't get dat picture .... picture dis ..... picture gettin jack-up against a wall .... wit de front of yuh body on de wall .... and right where yuh get jack-up .... it have ah hole in de wall .... dat yuh breast fall right eeeeeen to ....... and den someting jus come jus so ..... an' start tuh press down on it ..... while you still jack-up wit yuh face twiss-up an' cyah move!!!!

Anyway ..... after dat .... I was told tuh put  back orn meh clothes .... and dat dey will call meh or whatever wit de results .... and dat ah could go .....

But ...... leaving was a lil tricky .... cuz even tho I entered through a door ..... I had to exit through a curtain?! ..... boof No. 3!!!

Now ..... other than the fact .... that I can't believe .... dat wit all de advances in technology ..... dey still eh find ah better way tuh do dat shit yet ..... what was really buggin me .... was dat gyul .... cuz she was real weird .... and hard tuh understand .... cuz she doh speak English too good .... and she have no personality .... and den everyting she say .... comin out like ah boof .... and like she generally doh get job satisfaction .... cuz she was jus goin tru de motions .... with zero emotions! .... investigations revealed dat she from de Philippines?! ..... and .... actually .... investigations also revealed .... that a lot of the staff are volunteers .... which kinda explains the other accents I encountered too (de Receptionist) ....

Anyway .... all in all .... it was as bad as you hear it is ..... but at least it was all over .... in mere minutes .... which was great!

So ladies .... make dat appointment now .... oh .... and when yuh goin ..... yuh need tuh shave under yuh arms and doh wear no deodorant ..... and doh wear no cream ..... or powder or cologne around the breast area either .... yep .... and that's not just me talking .... that's what I saw on the sign on the wall ..... which made me wonder .... do women wear cologne .... worse yet around dey breast area?

Ahhhh ..... the joys of having a vajayjay!!!



That's what a MAMMOGRAM looks like ....

.... and LOL .... fuh real ....